Namquam tibi

"Shoot you off that Fucking Ignorant High Horse >>>" 

Good thoughts, dangerous thoughts, wonderful thoughts. The moon glows like phosphorous on the vagrant water. There are swans- a female and her chicks. She's honking to them. One by one they rush to her side, and disappear underneath her feathers. She is shielding them from a world that is distant and uncaring. As the breeze carries a melancholic tune, the air is heavy with the unspoken ache of longing for a sense of connection, emphasizing the poignant beauty of their isolated existence.  You thought that escaping to this haven would lull your thoughts of him- but they're ever present, reminding you of your loss.  

Misery loves company. So why are you alone? Wallowing in your pain. One cannot be lost now, for the shadows are all you seek. You can smell the change in the air, it smells like hairspray, and apple pie, it is the smell of sadness. T-t-t-ten Hail Mary's you meditate for practice. There is the idiocy of asking fate to fuck you up for a third time (Third time's a charm right?) You're gonna play martyr. 

Sectionals. You're afraid of Sectionals. This is why you have escaped, if only for an hour. You wanted to feel the cool breeze from the lake as you soaked your feet in the water. You're a different kind of sexy when you're tipsy. You only like alcohol when you can smell it off him. He engraved his name in your heart, claiming it as his, but never truly wanting to own it. His sculpted mouth looked so good a few minutes ago, even when he twisted it into a sneer- looking like a scene out of a roman-a-clef. His presence was cathartic, but in a perverse way. He never made fun of your verbal gaffes. Oooh! How you hate him so! No, sorry, you love him. Now you sit with his ghost, and invite it to speak. 

You realize your mistake  a few seconds later, and you say to his ghost, "Shut up! If I wanted to hear from an asshole, I would have farted!" ...You were never given to introspection. Perhaps that is why you failed to realize that we crave the hardest, the things we were (are) denied. You are a Muppet, and he would only let you play Tambourine if he had a little Muppets band. You were iffy bout him when you first started training for Sectionals. But because he was Every Deadly sin wrapped in a Single- Soul-Sucking package, he roped you in. And you momentarily forgot how brilliant you were...

"Amidst the glistening expanse of the ice rink, you glided with a mesmerizing blend of elegance. As the spotlight followed your every move, you embarked on your routine. As usual, his hands were at the small of your back and you could feel him behind you. With a powerful yet delicate leap, you launched into the Axel jump, then the Triple Lutz Triple Toe. The ice momentarily echoed with the soft whisper of your (both yours and his) skates against the frozen surface. 

He would never crash into you, you believed it to be true (and it was). Your heart started beating faster as you approached the intricate sequence of loops- a Triple Salchow followed by a Double Toe Loop- maneuvers that always stirred a mix of trepidation and excitement. He was watching you from the sideline now, and his eyes were wide with astonishment- a proud smile formed on those godammned beautiful lips. 

Facts- The Salchow is an edge jump. It is usually the first jump that skaters learn to double, and the first or second to triple. The Salchow is accomplished with a takeoff from the back inside edge of one foot, and a landing on the back outside edge of the opposite foot. Timing is Everything! Anyway, Beautiful! It was breathtaking as you did the final loop together, and the final bow, cementing yourselves as one of the best duos. You and him. That's how you won Qualifiers..."

A carrion crow, black as the night, perches on the branches of the nearby weeping willow. This  bird is associated with death and lost souls. Like you, my little lost soul. Contrary to what's in the public domain, the crow represents transformation- much more than that, it refers to an emotional change. 

He said he would always find his way back to you. How could he, when he didn't want to? How could he, when he carries your misery and pain, your lust and desire, hopes and dreams, and ...your love? You gave him all and he took it. The demon days (when he said he would hold your halo while you're on demon time) the childhood trauma, your disappointment, your carefully curated laughs. All of it.  

Now. You will open your Solar Plexus. Your solar plexus is linked to the aura through the Mental Body. This aura rules the thought and mental processes of the ego (he built yours up with sweet nothings, and tears it apart day by day). It is affected by power, fear and even anxiety. You need to find a balance of your body and your mind. He feeds (on) you and makes you afraid to lose him. He is both friend and foe. Devil and Saviour. 

You hate him, can't stand him. You love him. You're sorry. You're not. He loves you. Not enough. He doesn't love you. Or does he? That sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach isn't going away. You WILL your solar plexus open. If only for a reprieve, before you have to go back and face him- Knowing he's yours- only in words. But never truly. 

(*Insert Pleasantry here*) 

A.S.