Muse of Discord

     

Entry 1 

12/4/2023, 4.39pm 

(do you want the truth?)

I am the Muse of Discord, 

I am the harbinger of dis-illusion,

Picture me, tempest- haired Casanova,

Dancing amidst the shadowed outlines of your silhouette. 

I wield a quill dipped in the ink of dissonance,

I stir turbulence in the rhythmic sea. 

You, you thought you could tame me,

I laugh at your sad attempt to cage me,

My laughter echoes in the disarray of your thoughts. 

Entry 2

12/4/2023, 4.47pm 

(I'll tell you anyway)

In the dream I don't tell anyone, you put your head on my lap. A quiet scene unfolding, without anyone else knowing. I am the voice inside your head, that whispers the bad things that you want to hear. It's my secret fantasy. Even if I don't say it out loud, its mine, its a moment that lingers in my thoughts, waay outside the times I should be thinking about it. You then sit on the go cart, and I notice the way your shorts cling to your dark skin. Ohh what I would give to be those shorts! You hold the steering wheel, and then wheel your head to me, smiling. You are so innocent, so full of love and life, I sometimes envy you. The point is, I don't know any other way to describe you, other than to say, You are a fucking beautiful human! I look into the mirage of your gaze,  I am an illusionist. Truthfully now, beyond all the dreams and fantasies and the could -be's, I yearn for the penthouse of your heart, a lofty abode, where we could bask, skin to skin, in the splendor that is each other, far removed from the commonplace emotions of our mundane lives. 

Entry 3

12/5/2023, 9.56pm

(You're on a need-to-know basis)

Heart, you're so jumpy,

Unsettled, 

The soul keeps searching, 

And it insists, it insists, 

You'll be okay,

You'll be okay,

You'll be okay. 

Sometimes, when I close my eyes, I pretend you're mine. Tell me, (imagined) lover, do you think that love for another human can take a godly character? No? I believe. If that's the case, then I would not need any religion. I would worship you alone. Eros got nothin on yah! I don't need an arrow in my heart. You are mine. But am I yours? You know what makes you interesting? You love so wholeheartedly, I never thought it possible. The way you make people think and feel about themselves, the way you care about your words. Your tenacity, your ability to combat anything that comes your way so bravely. What makes you cry. What makes you so fucking angry you wanna punch a wall. Your favourite songs (Plural cause it depends on the day and mood. I know, adorable 😇). Your hope for the future where we imagine we'll always be together. 

I feel like a part of my soul has loved you since the beginning of everything. Maybe we're from the same star. "Do you think the universe fights for souls to be together? Some things are too strange and strong to be coincidences". I wanted to get you a gift. A book. Preferably one you've not read by my (our/my) favourite author. I was going to slip a Christmas note inside. Yes, the ones I bought two years ago, but have not used half of them. I won't now. You don't deserve it. I see you. Though I've always wanted you to see me. If one could shower and wash away one's problem, (in this case you) I'd have done it a long time ago. 

Entry 4

12/6/2023, 7.09pm

(lets get into it yah?)

I'll stay away from your myopic thinking,

You people can spread the disease,

I have noticed such people don't change,

Birds of a feather?

Imagine being the muse? I hoped one day you'd tell me that I was your muse, I craved it. Always the artist, never the muse. Always the writer, never the written. I was silently begging, Can I be your muse, amore? Always the poet, never the poem. Always the genius, never the muse. Always the reader, never the main character. You know what I tell myself to sleep? That I am really good at loving, that's what I tell myself, and that's better than being really good at being loved. 

I love the atom theory, I love the invisible string theory. How the universe will keep two people apart, until the timing is right. You'll meet in the most random of circumstances, only to find out that these people were hidden in plain sight this whole time. It's like their character hasn't been unlocked yet. That's my Roman Empire. You said I was jealous. And you were right. I was jealous of your pillows, of your sheets and your duvets, that got to touch and cover your skin every night, that you lay your head after a long ass day. So yes, I am jealous. 

Entry last 

12/6/2023, 7.30pm

(I am sorry we got here)

Sorry, 

Sorry we never loved,

Sorry I tried, and you didn't,

Sorry it died, coz of you,

Sorry, I'll stop,

This is the end. 

So yes, let me play the muse of discord. Let me take all blame. It was all me. I am the bad cop. I weep for the discordant beauty we could've unfolded. Please let me mourn. It was weird on Heather Day. Most of y'all not knowing what it is, is a good thing. You liked to prattle when I asked you about soul mates. Maybe I was too corny. You were wearing a black beanie, and those earrings- whispering secrets in the language of silver- adorned your lobes. I, the muse, reveled in verbal tapestry. I was fueled by a mischievous desire to sow seeds of chaos. I rejected the little offerings you gave (always desperate for more). 

There was so much more you could've given. But you didn't WANT TO. You feigned nonchalance, you showed me indifference. I wasn't him. So then in my whispered words I planted suspicion. I cast shadows on intentions and motives. I staged interventions that disrupted the natural flow of connection, I left a trail of unspoken questions. I am a Master Manipulator. I turn sweet things into a cacophony of dissonance. I left behind a trail of unresolved tensions and fractured emotions. 

(See how far fetched that is >? Me? Really?)

Entry last last

Same date, 7.54pm

Poco-loco

My quill sets reason ablaze, 

I am a fire, (which zodiac was this again?) 

I wink once, 

And I scatter syllables like wayward skies. 

I know what you think, this isn't heartbreak. That only works where two hearts loved each other. 

A.