KAIROS

 "We had unlocked something beautiful, even I, was afraid..."

KAIROS

Three things cannot long be hidden. The sun, the moon and the truth. I showed up to the curiosity competition with a dead cat. Guess it's not coming out of the bag. 

We spend our whole lives searching for "the one" only to realize there is no such person. They are not found. They are made. I could never make my own. You, You. I wanted to occupy those spots in your life so bad, but they were already filled. So long ago. I could never compare, could never be enough. Even with all the shine.

Do you know how hard I would ride for you? Little soul? What I wouldn't give, what I wouldn't do. Tears in my eyes. Guess we'll never find out. If you touched me I would faint. If you kissed me I would melt. If I was the object of your affection, I would be complete. I would be whole. Let us disabuse ourselves from the notion that you cannot love without loving yourself first. The precursor is that it is impossible to love others, without first having the character of love operating within us. What if that love makes me love myself, what if it gives me purpose? What if it gives me strength? Humor me, what's the point of a beautiful dress if you have no mirror? Are you getting anything in return? But we see it, we appreciate it, even without telling you. 

You were my all consuming love. My favourite line ever. You took it away, you took it away, you took it awaaaay from me! 

You had threaded your hair into a ponytail. Wearing red and black specs, white top, blue jeans. You were oozing sex. (why do they have so much sex appeal?) I wanted to hold you, close to my heart, lay your head on my lap in bed, stroke your hair, till all your worries subside, and then drift into a peaceful sleep. 

To give you affection, to love you, to show you my books, to listen to music, to give you all the love in the world, so much more than you had ever received. 

And he would ask, "Did I ask for all of that?" 

It has always been the will of the many, that the duty of the saner heads was to talk the mad ones down. I do not know whether I am either. They told me they believed I was poco-loco. That there had been a short-circuit somewhere in my brain to make me me. Do you believe them?

Franciscan Richard Rohr, says that there are two kinds of time, at least according to the ancient Greeks. There is chronos or Chronological, which is ordered time. Then there is Kairos. Kairos is subjective, qualitative. Deep time. A fullness. The moments when the dots of our lives connect. 

Chronos time will eat us alive if we do not constantly keep track of it and try to control it. To grasp Kairos, on the other hand, we have to release some of our anxiety around chronos time. It keeps us open to being steered in life, in ways we may not have anticipated, it keeps us discerning enough that we can read our environment, our changes, and keep on adapting as life goes on. 

We're all born Saturn somewhere. 

Saturn Interlude 

It represents reality, discipline, the limitations of life. For most of my life, I have been floating along, going through the motions my love. I don't want to anymore. Someone asked me whether I was living my best life, and it was so profound, when I started thinking about it. Aren't your 20s supposed to be the best years of your life? Are you sure you're living your best life? Is there a better life that you're looking forward to? Significantly, Saturn will visit you around every 7 years. If you look back in your life, something significant has happened in your life at the multiples of 7. I am now in my 4th cycle, and waiting on the major one yet to come. 

You smell the coffee in the pot, and Saturn comes around and hits you over the head, and says, "WAKE UP!" It's time for you to get real about life, and sort out who you really are. Carlo Rovelli says that we usually conceive of time as something simple, fundamental, flowing evenly, indifferent to everything from the past to the future, measured by clocks. Over time, the events of the universe follow one another in order: past, present, future. The past is fixed, the future is open … Well, all this [from current physics] has turned out to be false. 

Kairos and Saturn are womb brothers in everything but name. I had my karma when I was 21, and I keep asking myself, is it not enough? Have I not done enough? One thing I'll say is that the trajectory I thought my life would take is not it. Not the typical fall in love, build a house/home get kids die kind of life. I am sure it'll be different. You and I are different too. I am sick of waiting for another life, I don't want another one. I am tired of the way they look at me with their pity. I don't want your pity. I am tired of wanting something so badly and waiting for the universe to grant it. 

I need a watchman. 

"For thus hath the Lord said unto me, Go, set a watchman, let him declare what he seeth" 

Who is this Watchman? 

"a watchman is one who serves as a moral compass, even in the face of temptation and malevolence." 

I am who I think I am, my love. 

It's too beautiful, I don't think I deserve it. And you say, "You deserve this and more, my love. I have loved you since the beginning of time, and whatever our souls are made of, yours and mine are the same. You asked me if the universe fights for souls to be together, and yes I think it does. Perhaps not in the way we might think. Its in the grace, its in the tolerance, its in the compromise, that the universe works. It is how I know that I will love you forever. Even in the times you think you are undeserving of love. It was going to be you when we met, even if I had not realized it at the time."

Words to pull even the hardest of the chased. Only those words were at the tip of your tongue, just bustling to come rushing out. You never said them. Oh, I had a nightmare that you were calling your love, saying how much you loved them. May the day break cause I am not having this bs. 

My tears have always felt empty- pushed out of my eyes by biology and little else, because what I felt, feel and shall continue to feel is a feeling so beyond the scope of tears, so beyond what my body can hold for me. I feel adrift- anchorless in a running sea. But that's the thing about Kairos and Saturn. It doesn't happen once. So I'll dust myself off, and pray to God my soul to keep, hoping that I'll be ready when they next happen. Enough loss, enough lessons, enough silent tears. We're ready for the good. 

Isn't it mi amor? 

A.S.