Lovelorn

 

You were bigger than the whole sky. 

Give every man your ears, but few your voice. 

What's it like to hold the hand of someone you love, and they love you (interlinked)? To be woven into the fabric of tarab? To be chosen, daily, over and over and over again. If I was to have any loss, I wanted to unravel in the threads of enouement. Even in that, I missed out. 

"The thread that ties two hearts is invisible, but it pulls harder than chains."

Though I weep,

Do you think about me as often as I think about you? Do you lay in your bed at night and wonder what I might be doing at that exact same time? Do you wonder whether you'll find a lover like me? Do you reminisce when we were together, you sitting on my carpet and me on the bed? Do you see me in your dreams ? Interlinked?  Was your heart rearranged? Have you been asking strangers for answer's? To forget what you've felt, your doubt?

"The river remembers every stone, but the ocean forgets every drop."

There is a void that was left by the absence of your constant presence. The Boltzmann constant (k) is a fundamental physical constant that bridges microscopic and macroscopic physics. It relates the average kinetic energy of particles in a gas to the temperature of that gas. Mathematically, it appears in statistical mechanics equations like Boltzmann's entropy formula, S=klnΩ, where S represents entropy, Ω is the number of microstates, and k is the Boltzmann constant. Energy and order has dissolved into chaos. You brought equilibrium, and now your absence has left a state of entropy. The absence of your warmth, your laughter, your smiles and your love have diffused across fragmented moments, never to be back. 

You let go but the love didn't leave with you, it stayed. 

"It's the hope that kills."

We never said we would never forget each other, and yet it feels like you did, so fast man. I went to the place where we had our first walk together. There was that pitter-patter of the water from the small river, and it rose to a rumble, crashing, rushing, fighting to get downslope faster. Turning back to that place again, I felt the rise of a wave, I looked down to the depths, and I wished it would consume me. Every time I sleep, I think of you, I look for an old picture of you in my mind, to remind myself of your features. I fear I am starting to forget the lines in your face. I fear I may forget the sound of your voice, I fear I may forget the shape of your lips when you were animated, looking to me for an answer you knew only I could give. Every time I struggle but at least, we're together in my dreams. There you love me without restraint. You have the world at your fingers and you give it to me. Oh to be loved! But more certainly, to be loved by you!

"The tree silently loves the sun, though its roots keep it firmly tied to the earth."

When you said you just wanted me, all my flaws and my mistakes, just me, You had lied. Cause you didn't want me or my mistakes. I have lost myself in this hole. All I see is darkness. I dug it myself. I am trying to crawl out, but the walls are crushing me, I can't breathe, I am haunted by your images in my mind, clear as day. Reminding me of all I have lost. I am dazed, trapped within the abstract. 

Take responsibility for once. Stop blaming everything on the devil. I am holding my breath, I am frozen in time. I am a statute. Living for stolen moments in the streets, and locked rooms and closets. I keep telling myself that it will all add up to something, but they do not. No matter how much I want it to. I have nothing. Those stolen moments amount to nothing. The stranger in the bus today who referred me to my fallen kerchief amounts to nothing. 

Every time I sit on my large bed, I imagine you on one side and me on the other. We sit at the centre and you look at me with those knowing eyes. I raise my hand to caress your face, and you lean into me, and let me. I touch your hair, and I see the tension from your shoulders dissipate as they slump. I dreamt of you yesterday, and I was so distraught cause it felt like you hated me, and you do. I could feel the words rolling off your tongue, with the strength of your conviction, loathing me, blaming me, shaming me. You said it was all my fault, as if you had no part to play. I am tired of reviewing past messages hoping for a love that cannot be mine, cannot come back. 

"The sky weeps for the ocean, and yet they are forever apart." 

I am not the way I was. I am leaving this place. Know that you can come if you want. The door is closed, but it'll never be locked on you. I was so diligent with you, and you couldn't return the effort. You knew I was never good with people. So whom have you left me with? It's all a charade to get close to me, out of convenience, for they could always get something from me due to the power/position I hold. They gaslight you and tell you that they care, they'll be there, but they never show it. I have never felt it. What happens when I have nothing to offer but my sorrow or grief? When all I can offer is a listening ear, or maybe even a lustful stare and longing, knowing I'll not get them. What then when I want to cry myself to sleep in their presence? Will you send them to show up at my door on the night of my birthday, bidding them to say, "I came?"

"The tree bends so it does not break, but it carries the memory of every storm."

People are dying, falling like flies. And I can't get some time from you for a response. Its fine if we know we won't change, at least the pretense is over. I hope my eyes told you of my yearning, I hope my smile told you I loved you. I offered it up on a platter, and you took it and smashed it in my face. I am still taking my meds in the morning. I miss  that place, the familiarity, the love. I was De L'etoile and he was Ethan Hunt. I kept it as a momento, to go back to, to remind myself of the loss. He moved on, I did not. He got a look that I could not recognize. I am not the way I was. I recognize that even though he called me love, he called them too, and they loved him. They knew him in a way I would never, for he never let me. It was always just out of convenience, the only boat that was present and he needed to get across the murky waters. Now that the waters are not so murky, he went back to his usual rides, and I was left alone, at the dock.  

"The echo loves the mountain, but the mountain cannot hear it."

Only consolation is that even if you stayed, even if we were together now, you would never love me the way I did you. Your purported love would never be enough. I would always yearn for a love you could never give. So goodbye, I hope all you ever wanted happens to you, I hope all your dreams come true, I hope you find the love you lost, I hope he gives you a shoulder to cry on, and most of all, I hope NEVER TO HEAR ABOUT ANY OF IT. 

XOXO,

A.S.